Terminal

Recently I have found myself having a sort of anxiety attack before I fall asleep. A brief thought about my demise.  A brief acknowledgement that some day in the hopefully far future I will take my last breath and that will be the end of my existence here on earth. I believe in God and that he made the world. I have to because I refuse to believe this is all there is. I refuse to believe that the universe and planets just magically appeared. There has to be something more but when I have these moments of anxiety I am doubting my beliefs. I am doubting everything. If I only knew for sure that heaven existed and that all that have left before me are there waiting to welcome me when my time comes.

I wonder if as I get older my anxiety will get worse as I get closer and closer to old age. I wonder what 80 year olds or 90 year olds think before they go to sleep at night. Do they say a prayer of thankfulness for a good life in the event they don't wake up in the morning or do they too have anxiety that they will not see tomorrow. Maybe as you get older you look forward to death because you've lost your youth or your health prevents you from living fully. When living becomes challenging then why continue right?

I have always thought that life needed to be finite in order for us as humans to appreciate it. Having a time line keeps in focus that if we want to accomplish things we have a limited time to do it. If we lived forever we would procrastinate and possibly never get anything done because we'd have forever to do it. If  my life is finite I better get out that bucket list and start checking things off. I better make the most of my days and live fully in the moment. We don't know when our days will end. Luckily I've had this view of life since I was a teenager so the bucket list has always been a motivating factor in the choices I make. It guides my compass of what I do and where I go. When my time comes I want to know that I accomplished what I wanted and I have no regrets. I want to feel like I didn't waste my time but rather used it wisely, because yes we are all terminal.

Lean In

I found myself intrigued by the new book "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg. I heard mixed opinions about what she was advocating in regards to women & work. That rather than leaning away we need to lean in to what we are doing so I had to read it for myself.

I must say I really liked this book. I found it to state a lot of truths about women in general. The high expectations that are put upon us to try and have it all. Choosing children and being a mom over having a career. The guilt of working versus staying home. The judgement among women instead of support for the choices we make to work or not work. I think as a woman we have many challenges on all levels and it is ultimately up to us to make choices that work best for our lives. I don't judge women who choose to have a career and have children. Just because you have a child doesn't mean you need to stay home and be a mom. I also totally get women who want to stay home and be a mom because they feel it's important to raise their children. I cast no judgement on anyone's life choices but yet so many women do rather support one another.

 I personally think for myself there needs to be a balance between work and being a mom. Since I have to work to some degree I find that my husband has to pick up the slack while I'm away. If I was home all the time I don't see that happening. He's a team player by default. I also find I need time away from my children. I love them dearly but I also need to be an individual too.

Asiana Flight

On July 5th an Asiana flight crashed landed at SFO. The tail hitting the sea wall and then spinning to a stop just off the runway. The flight attendants immediately got the passengers evacuated before flames engulfed the plane. The airport was shut down for hours following the incident. 3 people died and many were seriously injured including some of the crew. The flights were applauded by the media for their heroic efforts in getting people off the plane. As a flight attendant it was nice to finally see flight attendants get the recognition they deserve. They did what they were trained to do which was to evacuate an airplane in 90 seconds or less. They inflated the slides, commanded their drills and got people off the plane. 

Since SFO is my home base I flew in and out of that airport seeing the Asiana flight on the side of the runway. A little un-nerving but definitely a vivid reminder of what can happen. Later it was moved to a remote area which also happens to be by the employee parking area I park at. Again a visual reminder of what can happen. Although I am reminded visually of the potential hazards of my job I also remind myself how incredibly safe air travel is. I do not fear for what may happen for I know I have no control of the what if's of life. I live each day fully and appreciate each day I am given.

Oh life

I haven't posted in awhile. I've been posting daily on another site called " oh life". I really like it because it brings me back to the days when I used to journal regularly. For years I wrote my thoughts in these small books. All my thoughts, dreams, and daily activities. I for some reason stopped when I got married except when I traveled. I even started journals for my kids but again I write very irregularly.

Oh Life sends me an email every night at 8pm. All I have to do is reply with whatever I want and hit send. It goes to an online journal which I can download at anytime. It's gotten me back into recording my daily activities. The silly mundane things that we often forget as time goes by.

I still like this blog because this is a place where I can write down more thought provoking thoughts versus the day to day life events which is what I am using Oh Life for.

Regardless of how I write I hope to continue writing so that I can leave something for my children to read when I am gone. Writing is a window into the soul. We don't always know what is happening inside the minds of others but through writing we get a glimpse.

Today's world versus yesterdays

As I have gotten older I have become a news junkie. I read the news and I find that the more I read the news the more disheartened I get with the way the world is going. I also find it to be full of gloom and doom stories. Everyday I read about someone killing someone else or killing groups of people. Police officers getting killed in the line of duty, or innocent children at school. I often wonder if the world my children are growing up in is going to be worse off than the one I grew up in. My childhood was fun and carefree. I used to play outside, ride my bike around the neighborhood, play in my backyard, walk to school. I wasn't worried about crazy people hurting me or kidnapping me. Today I would not let my children their bikes around the neighborhood for hours on end or play in the neighborhood down the street. Has the world gotten more stressful? I am perplexed as to why there is so much more violence. Do we blame video games, violent movies? lack of parent involvement children's lives?

What I'd really like to read in the news are stories of inspiration, triumphs of the human spirit, people doing good deeds in their communities, people helping strangers or random act of kindness. We should focus on the positives of our world and not all the negatives. I truly believe negatives bring on more negatives and positives bring about more positives. By focusing on the negatives we are giving power to the violence. We are maybe even encouraging people to replicate or go above what others have done that is heinous. Do we really want to bring attention to the people who cause harm? Let's focus on those that do good.

Just random thoughts on a Monday afternoon....

Election Day

Well this year's November election was pretty exciting in our household. My husband got to vote for himself as well as the president of the United States on the same ballot. Our journey into the unknown territory of politics was definitely a learning adventure for us. We often felt like we were always behind rather than ahead. Luckily we had a local council member mentoring my husband which was huge. My husband did what he felt was possible to run his campaign on a limited budget. He attended candidate forums, posted lawn signs, walked the neighborhoods and attended political events where he could network. I have a lot more respect for people who run for office now as it takes a lot of time,energy and funds.

We attended an election night party at local restaurant where other candidates and elected officials would be at. It made the suspense of waiting for the results a little more bearable. I was so excited for my husband at the thought of him winning but I also knew if he lost he would be crushed. When the preliminary numbers came in my husband was in the lead. He only needed one seat of the two available. His lead was far enough that we felt pretty secure in his win.

My job is now done as campaign manager, treasurer and volunteer. I now get to return to my regularly scheduled programming while he gets to begin his job of attending board meetings and hopefully making a difference in the field of education. Good luck hubby I wish you the best!

9/11

It's been eleven years since terrorists took 4 airplanes and used them as weapons to destroy the lives of many. Every year I think I'm a little more healed emotionally but I find that every year I still find myself crying because it all comes back to me like it was yesterday.

I didn't know anyone personally who was killed that day, but as a flight attendant who works for one of the airlines that was hijacked I can relate to the flight attendants. I wasn't flying that day but I was awoken by a good friend who was hysterical. She was concerned for my well being because she knew I flew and she knew I could of been on one of those flights. I could of but luckily I wasn't. I was startled by her hysteria as she kept saying turn on your t.v. planes are crashing into the world trade center. I went to my television in disbelief at what I was seeing. It was surreal. Really? this is happening? it was like a bad movie. How could this really be happening? I ran to my computer to pull up the names of the flight crews but they were already purged from the system. The phone continued to ring all day. Family & friends all concerned for me. Wondering if I was on one of those planes.

Those flight attendants went to work. It was like any other day in the life of a flight attendant. We go to work, we jump on planes, we fly 7 miles above the earth, we leave our families, we jet around the country, stay in hotels and eventually come home. That day they went to work, got on a plane and became part of a weapon of mass destruction. I cannot fathom what happened on those planes during those final moments. I don't even want to. I know that those crews in my eyes are heroes. People think of the firefighters and policemen on 9/11 but often don't think of the flight crews. The crews who were relaying information about what was happening onboard their planes to the ground people. The crews who helped cause an air stop of all aircraft because of the information they relayed. The crews & passengers who caused the United plane to go down in a field instead of at it's intended target.

Air travel has never been the same nor has the job of being a flight attendant. We look at passengers differently. We are more aware of our surroundings. We don't put up with much attitude from passengers. 9/11 is forever in our minds. We will NEVER FORGET nor do we want to.