Terminal

Recently I have found myself having a sort of anxiety attack before I fall asleep. A brief thought about my demise.  A brief acknowledgement that some day in the hopefully far future I will take my last breath and that will be the end of my existence here on earth. I believe in God and that he made the world. I have to because I refuse to believe this is all there is. I refuse to believe that the universe and planets just magically appeared. There has to be something more but when I have these moments of anxiety I am doubting my beliefs. I am doubting everything. If I only knew for sure that heaven existed and that all that have left before me are there waiting to welcome me when my time comes.

I wonder if as I get older my anxiety will get worse as I get closer and closer to old age. I wonder what 80 year olds or 90 year olds think before they go to sleep at night. Do they say a prayer of thankfulness for a good life in the event they don't wake up in the morning or do they too have anxiety that they will not see tomorrow. Maybe as you get older you look forward to death because you've lost your youth or your health prevents you from living fully. When living becomes challenging then why continue right?

I have always thought that life needed to be finite in order for us as humans to appreciate it. Having a time line keeps in focus that if we want to accomplish things we have a limited time to do it. If we lived forever we would procrastinate and possibly never get anything done because we'd have forever to do it. If  my life is finite I better get out that bucket list and start checking things off. I better make the most of my days and live fully in the moment. We don't know when our days will end. Luckily I've had this view of life since I was a teenager so the bucket list has always been a motivating factor in the choices I make. It guides my compass of what I do and where I go. When my time comes I want to know that I accomplished what I wanted and I have no regrets. I want to feel like I didn't waste my time but rather used it wisely, because yes we are all terminal.