15 years ago today

It's been 15 years today since I lost my friend Tara to breast cancer. She was 31 when she died. She was 26 when she was diagnosed. She fought a hard 5 year battle but ultimately lost. I was in my twenty's when she died. I had experienced the death of my grandmother earlier that year but no one else had yet to depart my world. I have a lot of regrets in regards to my time with Tara. My first regret was that I never really thought she was going to die. I mean I knew she had cancer but for some reason her telling me she had spots   in different areas( lungs, brain etc) didn't register that she was already pretty along in her fight. I called her regularly and I tried to see her fairly often. I don't know if I was encouraging to her or discouraging to her. Sometimes I think I said the wrong things. Maybe I didn't listen enough. Maybe I talked too much. I remember giving her a book "When bad things happen to good people" along with an Angels inspiration book. She liked the angel book because it was uplifting. I don't know what I was thinking giving her the other book. I remember having conversations about her cancer and comparing it to another person who told me their cancer story. Why did I even bring up this other person's story?

I often calk up my actions to thinking it was because I was young and like I said had not experienced a lot of death or cancer in my life.I wish I could chat with her one last time and say I"m sorry for any of the stupid things I said to her which probably didn't make her feel better. I would of taken lots more pictures with her. I would of been more in tune to the gravity of her situation. I would of hugged her more. There are lots of things I probably would of done different given the opportunity to interact with her again.

I can say though that her life had a great impact on me. I immediately wanted to make sure her life had meaning and had touched me in some way. She died in August and a few months later I began volunteering at the American Cancer Society. I wanted to make a difference and I wanted to pay tribute to my beautiful friend. I've been on a committee for kids who are dealing with cancer for fifteen years now and it's all because of Tara. I still miss her and I still have regrets but that life experience has forever changed me and for that I am thankful.