Suicide

A week ago I heard the news that a classmate of mine had committed suicide. I was shocked to say the least. He was a fun, outgoing, social person who I never in a million years would picture to be the type of person to  take his own life. I went to elementary through high school with him. He became a singer with his own band after high school. I even auditioned to be a vocalist with his band. He always seemed to be doing well and managed to make a career out of performing, which to me is a feat in itself. He was also the father of two young boys. 

Suicide is hard for those left behind to understand, because we will never know what was going on in his mind during those last few moments of his life. Then there are the questions of why? why did he do it? why would he leave his sons without a father? why didn't he reach out to his friends or family? why didn't he seek counseling or some other sort of help? so many why's and we'll never have answers. Instead we are left with a void. 

His service was standing room only. A testament to the amount of lives he touched. If he had been there to see the love and support in that chapel maybe he would of changed his mind. If only.......

Chronic Pain

Pain is something I deal with on a daily basis. Pain is something I think I have built up a tolerance to. Not by choice but just by stamina. Why do I have pain? I often wonder. I was perfectly healthy until I was in my early thirties. I used to donate blood regularly at the blood bank. Then one day the strangest thing happened. The blood bank called me and said my blood was testing as having syphilis. I'm thinking syphilis? Well I guess they then run the blood again and it comes back as a false positive. This happened several times and eventually they sent me a letter asking me to not donate blood anymore and to see about visiting a doctor to investigate my issue.

I went to the doctor and I guess I developed some anti-bodies on my blood which now made me no longer eligible to donate. My doctor said other than being low iron I was perfectly fine and he said sometimes these things just happen. I was like okay.

A few years later my symptoms started to evolve. First a case of Pleurisy shortly after my first child was born. Excruciating pain in my lung that required steroids. I again asked why this happened. Again my doctor said sometimes people just get this.

Since the pleurisy I have never been the same. My torso aches all the time. The only way to describe it is a feeling of being squished by a truck. Constant pressure on my torso from front and back.  Along with this constant pressure I experience fatigue and acid reflux.

Shorlty after my second child was born I developed this strange red spot on my head. It looked like ringworm. I went to the doctor and they ended up doing a biopsy. It came back Discoid Lupus. The skin version of Lupus. Discoid Lupus causes scar tissue and bald spots from the lesions. I now have to be careful about sun exposure as the sun is what causes the lesions.

Then after my third child was born my ANA test which is a Lupus specific test finally turned positive. I am however still not diagnosed as having Lupus. My official diagnosis is Mixed Connective Tissue Disease for now. Although my symptoms tend to be more on the Lupus side.

So for twelve years I have been dealing with these autoimmune issues. My body for some reason is attacking itself. I take medications to help alleviate some of my symptoms and I try to pace my life with adequate rest and listen to my body. I've come to live with my pain as it fluctuates daily and throughout the day. I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be terminal. I could be so debilitated that I could not function. I try not to wallow in my pain and have actually gotten used to it. This is my new normal. I pray it doesn't get much worse. It's been a slow progression and I'm still not sure what I am battling with sometimes since I am kind of an anomaly. I'm thankful for my doctor who works with me and let's me get any tests I may think I need. 

Why am I writing this today? Probably because I am in a lot of pain. People in pain look like everyone else. Their pain is usually not visible which makes it harder for outsiders to understand. Invisible illnesses are probably the hardest to have. 

Airplanes & Staying Seated

I am a flight attendant by profession. I've been one for 19 years now. Today I was reading about a flight that experienced clear air turbulence and dropped 6000ft. Twelve people were injured as a result. I always find it interesting how the minute we take off people unbuckle their seat belts. I guess they feel once they are in the air they are now safe from danger. I also find it interesting that people wander about the airplane and many passengers also let their young children walk up and down the aisle. Passengers seem to be everywhere but their assigned seats.

My job is to be up doing service and cabin checks. I am standing or walking around the airplane the majority of  the flight. I have no choice but to be up as I have job duties to attend to. We warn people in our announcements that they should remain seated and to keep their seat belts on. Personally if I had a choice I'd be sitting with my seat belt on the entire flight and I do when I am a passenger. Needless to say when these turbulence incidents occur it is usually the flight crew that is more likely to be seriously injured.

This plane dropped 6000ft. This is the equivalent of a one mile drop straight down in the sky. Yes this would be pretty scary but even scarier if you're not buckled in and you hit the ceiling because you're not belted in or you fall and hit your head because you are in the aisle when it happens. We don't remind you about your seat belt to me mean or to keep you out of our hair. We remind you because of incidents like this that do happen and do cause injuries.

I also suggest you pay for a seat for you under two child and put them in a car seat again for this very reason. Last thing you want is your child be a projectile on an airplane. I"m just saying... but I also digress.

                                                        Buckle up, stay seated and be safe!